Obsess much?

I’m not often at a loss for words, but I’m getting close.  The dumb chick who was the focus on my rage in the last post has emailed me 15 times in the last 48 hours.  Most of the emails are redundant, poorly thought out and the lack of understanding of grammar and the English language is just ridiculous.  I could write an incredibly long blog post about how dumb and annoying this girl is (and how she’s apparently completely abandoned her paleo diet in the last 48 hours) but I would much rather post the entirety of our exchanges in this blog post so that you may see what a saint I am to put up with these illiterate assholes.

I know you’ve already seen the initial email, but it’s pivotal to this plot of stupidity, so you’re forced to grimace your way through it one more time.

(Names have been omitted to make me feel like less of an asshole)


Nov 22 (2 days ago)

to me
want to know if u have any menu items that would be suitable for the autoimmune paleo diet we are on:
http://www.phoenixhelix.com/2013/05/19/what-is-the-paleo-autoimmune-protocol/
PLUS
only sweeteners: stevia and honey (and sometimes not honey)..ill let u know when we are taking out sweeteners and fruit
 
caffeine (in all forms : tea…cocoa..chocolate etc)
 
! and as far as seeds…it includes even spice seeds (celery seed…anise seed, mustard, fennel etc) if u ever ? it just ask and ill let u know if its ok
 
this does include ALL grains (even the gluten free ones)
have to b very careful of citric acid/ascorbic acid (corn or sugar) and casein (which pops up in coco milk sometimes) and no carrageenan or xanthan gum…
 
nightshades include all tomatoes..peppers..potatoes…red spices…etc
 
no sweet potateos or coocnut flour for now
 
BECAUSE WE WOULD LOVE TO STOP IN NEXT WEEK FOR YUMMY FOOD! LET US KNOW!
Thank you,

Nov 22 (2 days ago)

to me
can u answer in regards to the [Restaurant B] too? and are any of the [Restaurant B] menu items organic? (pastry..food..desserts etc..not drinks)
 

ME:

I have copied our chef as he will be able to help you out a lot more than I will.

Thank you!

   
   
Nov 22 (2 days ago)

to me,
thank u!

   
Nov 22 (2 days ago)

to me
can we make reservations for thanksgiving for 2? …is it the same menu at the [Restaurant B] as it is at [Restaurant A]? one can call in and pickup orders at either place right? what is the cost of delivery to blaine?
are the french meadow menus the same as the ones on the [Restaurant B] websit or where can I get [Restaurant A] menus?
thanks!


Nov 22 (2 days ago)

to me
oh yes..and I see there is seating form 1-6 so does that mean our reservations will be during that time?
thanks!

ME:

Based on your diet, I don’t think we can accommodate you for Thanksgiving.  We are not offering a full menu, simply a special Thanksgiving Menu with all the normal Thanksgiving fare (turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, pumpkin pie, etc.)  That being said, if you are making an exception for Thanksgiving, we would be delighted to have you.

When we do feature our regular menu, it is the same menu in [Restaurant A] as it is in [Restaurant B], so the menu you are seeing online is the same for both.

We only offer delivery on orders of $100 or more and they must be placed at least 24 hours in advance.  However, if you are inquiring about delivery on Thanksgiving, we are not offering it that day.  Delivery at any other time is charged at $10 per 5 miles, so delivery to Blaine would be $40.

If you still want to make a reservation for Thanksgiving, please let me know what time specifically during the 1-6 time frame and I will be happy to make the reservation for you.

Thank you!

Nov 22 (2 days ago)

to me
can one call in orders to pickup free of charge?
ME:
ABSOLUTELY!

Nov 22 (2 days ago)

to me
After looking at urmenu…we are going to cheat for the holidays! Sounds far to yummy ! 6pm would b great for us..this is at [Very poorly executed attempt at spelling Reastaurant A] right? but if ur chef could still let us know if there are things in the regular menu that would suit us that would b great!

ME:

Yes, this is at [Restaurant A].  And I copied the chef on the earlier email, so you should be able to follow up with him directly.

Nov 22 (2 days ago)
to me
Tu! B there by 6!
Seems like we’ve said all there is to say, right?  That’s what I thought anyway.  I was way, WAY wrong.

Nov 23 (1 day ago)
to me
All that is not organic @ [piss-poor attempt at spelling Restaurant B] and at [Restaurant A] is pesticide/gmo possible right?
I didn’t respond.  Why?  Because I’ve answered enough questions and I’ve already told you that the chef would be your best bet in getting answers to these questions.  Leave me the fuck alone.
BUT SHE DIDN’T.
8:15 PM (1 hour ago)
to me
and u guys are open for order pickups/deliveries on thursday right? will the bakery be open? we are thinking about also picking up/having an order delivered thursday at noon or so..we could call it in or email way early..like now if u wanted..let us know! and u did put us down for 6 on thanksgiving right? will the bakery be open then?

8:19 PM (58 minutes ago)
to me
oops nm..u said no delivery on tgiving..but we could order in early and pickup on thanksgiving at round noon right?
will the bakery be open tgiving all day?? we could call it in or email way early..like now if u wanted..let us know! and u did put us down for 6 on thanksgiving right?
ME:
8:19 PM (58 minutes ago)

No deliveries on Thursday as I stated in my previous email.  You are more than welcome to call an order in for pick up.  And yes, I have you down for 6-our bakery will be open.
ME:
8:21 PM (56 minutes ago)
I don’t know the answer to the pesticide/gmo question.  You can contact our chef at [chef’s email] (I’ve done enough; she can be his fuckin’ problem)

8:22 PM (55 minutes ago)
to me
what time is the bakery open til on thursdaY?
ME:
8:24 PM (53 minutes ago)

The same as the restaurant-6pm

8:27 PM (50 minutes ago)

to me
ok so if we show up at 530..even if there is aline..would we still be able to order baker items? sorry for all the questions..we are only in town for a couple and don’t want to miss out on our treats!

8:32 PM (45 minutes ago)

to me
oh yes..and..can I email the order to u?
ME:
Yes, I would imagine you will still be able to order bakery items. We are not going to turn anyone away that’s waiting to order baked goods.  Though, if you do end up dining with us, you wouldn’t have to stand in line, you could just order them through your server.
ME:
Yes, you could email an order to me, but I would need a credit card number to actually place the order.

8:41 PM (36 minutes ago)

to me
There isn’t a list of all the things in the bakery is there? Then i cud just add to our wed delivery order..
 
8:42 PM (35 minutes ago)

to me
Ok..ill email the order then can i call with the credit card number? What # do i call?
ME:
8:43 PM (34 minutes ago)

You may look at our catering menu online, that should have most everything we offer.  And what “wed” delivery are you talking about?  All these emails are becoming rather hard to keep track of.  Perhaps you would rather just talk over the phone?  I am in the office tomorrow.

She just emailed me again, but frankly, I give up.  I’m either being punked or dealing with the dumbest fucking bitch in the history of the world.  In the course of 48 hours, she went from being a hardcore practitioner of paleo to someone who is trying to order macaroni & cheese, caramel rolls and turtle mochas (even though she asked in the same run-on sentence what that even was) for delivery on Wednesday (What happened to the Thanksgiving reservation?).  She’s also dumb enough to think that a turtle mocha is going to stay hot on a 20-mile trek out to her trailer park.  Whatever the case may be, I just can’t be nice anymore.
image
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I have a new front runner for worst email I’ve ever received.

Check out this gem!


want to know if u have any menu items that would be suitable for the autoimmune paleo diet we are on:
PLUS
only sweeteners: stevia and honey (and sometimes not honey)..ill let u know when we are taking out sweeteners and fruit
caffeine (in all forms : tea…cocoa..chocolate etc)
! and as far as seeds…it includes even spice seeds (celery seed…anise seed, mustard, fennel etc) if u ever ? it just ask and ill let u know if its ok Smile
this does include ALL grains (even the gluten free ones)
have to b very careful of citric acid/ascorbic acid (corn or sugar) and casein (which pops up in coco milk sometimes) and no carrageenan or xanthan gum…
nightshades include all tomatoes..peppers..potatoes…red spices…etc
no sweet potateos or coocnut flour for now
BECAUSE WE WOULD LOVE TO STOP IN NEXT WEEK FOR YUMMY FOOD! LET US KNOW!
Thank you,


First off, is spellcheck no longer a thing?  How about capitalization?  Punctuation?  Proper grammar?
Second, really?  No, but seriously, REALLY?  It’s my job to walk you through the entirety of our menu because of your paleo diet?  I would have given you the benefit of the doubt that you were, in fact, participating in the paleo diet as an opportunity to heal your body of whatever autoimmune disease you may have, but when I told you that we weren’t able to accommodate your special diet on Thanksgiving, you stated:
After looking at urmenu…we are going to cheat for the holidays! Sounds far to yummy ! 6pm would b great for us..this is at ftench neadow right? but if ur chef could still let us know if there are things in the regular menu that would suit us that would b great!
Well, now I’m just going to be a bitch.  What’s a urmenu?  Also, it’s too, not to.  No one over the age of 8 uses the word “yummy” anymore.  Anyone that uses “b” instead of “be” is a lazy asshole.  And I have no idea what a “ftench neadow” is, but it sounds disgusting.
Perhaps I’m being a little callous, but there’s a difference between allergies and lifestyle choices.  You CHOOSE to follow this diet.  Yes, maybe it’s because you’re trying to heal your body of whatever ails it by eating a specific way.  I actually find that quite admirable.  What I don’t find admirable (in fact, I find it INCREDIBLY annoying) is that your lifestyle choice somehow becomes MY problem.  You find me another profession where myself or any other member of the service staff is supposed to be not only your server, but your brewmaster, barista, sommelier, dietician, nutritionist and allergist.  No such profession exists.
So cheers to all you people that continue to make our lives a living hell.  You are the main reason we have drinking problems.

If you’ve never worked in the service industry before, I probably hate you.

Why?  Because you have no concept that not everything is about you.  You come at me with odd requests and expect that I can grant every wish that you throw at me no matter how ridiculous.  And why is that?  Because you once heard that the customer is always right.  Well, I have news for you; sometimes the customer (you) is an asshole.

Take for example, the email I received today.

Hello,

I would like to place an order for some gluten & dairy-free cupcakes for pick up tomorrow. I notice you only have mini cupcakes on your menu, but I would like full-size cupcakes and I need three flavors so that my guests may have variety.  I’ll have 25 guests attending so I’d like to have about 30 cupcakes to make sure that we don’t run out.  Let me know what else you need from me and we’ll go from there.

Okay random person who thinks the world revolves around you,  you want gluten & dairy free cupcakes (which we don’t have) but you don’t want mini cupcakes, you want standard size cupcakes (which we don’t offer) and you want 3 different flavors of cupcake, but you only need a total of 30? And they need to be ready tomorrow morning? Do you really not think you’re being unreasonable?  Of course you don’t.  Why?  Because we live in a society that teaches people that no matter how outlandish their request may be, it’s our duty to find a way to carry it out.  After all, “Yes is the answer!”  Well, not in my world.  I say no to your stupid cupcakes.  I can’t accommodate you.  And I’ll tell you why-because you’re not giving myself or my staff the proper amount of time to be set up for success.  Have you really managed to get through life this far without being told no? If so, I relish in the fact that I was the one who was finally able to shatter your dreams.


Transcript from the last call I answered at work.

Guest:  Hi, do you deliver birthday cakes?

Me: We offer delivery for orders over $100.

Guest:  No, that doesn’t work for me.  It’s my daughter’s birthday tomorrow and I’m calling from Michigan and I want to get her a cake.

Me: I’m sorry, but that’s our policy.  We have a service that does delivery, but it’s within a one-mile radius. (Thinking to myself, you probably should have been a little more ahead of the game, lady.  Your last minute attempt at a half-assed birthday present  is not my problem)

Guest: Well, they live over by Best Buy Headquarters.  Is that close to you?

Me: That’s about 10 miles away from us.  

Guest:  Well, do you know of any bakeries over there that deliver?

Me: I’m sorry, I can’t say that I do.  I’ve also never been asked this question, so I’ve never had to look for any other bakeries.  I’m sorry, but I don’t know what to tell you.

Guest: They live over on Ullysses St NE.  Is that close to you?

Me:  That’s still about 5 miles away (And in the complete opposite direction of the Best Buy Headquarters)

Guest:  Do you know any bakeries over there?

Me:  I’m sorry, I don’t.

Guest:  Well, I guess I don’t know what to do then.

Me:  And I don’t know what to tell you.  I’m sorry, but I hope you find something.

Guest: Thanks. <click>

Moral of the story?  I’m a catering manager, not your personal google advisor or mapquest directory.  Do your fucking homework before you call and ask a question like that.


Finally done.

Wednesday was my last day at the hotel, thank God.  Too much of my time has been spent working 6-day, 65 hour work weeks for very little money.  I had no choice but to grin and bear it; my boyfriend and I were buying a house and I wasn’t about to switch jobs and lose our dream house.  I put my head down, bit my tongue and tried to focus on the prize.  Never have I known myself to show such self-restraint and discipline.  Proof that I’m growing up, I guess?

The last 8 months have been hell at work.  I’d been resigned to working two jobs for peanuts.  My boss, the director of F&B, had decided that he was bored with heading the department and decided to force himself into others.  He was looking to expand his overall hotel knowledge so that he could move up within the company.  Helping me run HIS department wasn’t part of that plan.  I was on my own.

At first, I was up for the challenge.  I was foolish enough to believe that maybe, just maybe, abandoning me was a test.  Perhaps he wanted to see what I was made of.  Perhaps he was using the sink or swim method of teaching.  It’s a pretty shitty way to teach, but as I told him whenever he gave me some bullshit excuse as to why he couldn’t help me with whatever it was I was asking him to do, “Luckily, I’m smart enough to figure it out on my own.”

Around the holidays, my boss started dropping hints like, “Make sure you remember to do this when I’m gone.”  I thought that maybe his time at the hotel was coming to an end.  Soon, the department would be mine to run and since I had been doing it for months already, I was excited to take on the role permanently and receive the title and the money that went with it.  But most importantly, I was excited to not have to answer to him anymore.  He was completely worthless to me as a boss.  I was excited to make the department my own and bring new life into it.  My boss didn’t care anymore, but it was still his department so he had final say.  I was ready to be done with that.

I had my one year anniversary at the hotel in October and wasted no time in completing the self-appraisal so that I could submit it for his review.  I had never received my 120-day review, due to him being way too busy to sit down for 10 minutes and complete it, so naturally, I was excited to discuss my future with the company and more importantly, get my first raise.  It took him almost 3 months to find time to complete his portion of my review, but shortly before Christmas, he found time in his busy, way too important for me schedule to sit down with me. 

The review was a good one, or so I’ve been told by people that read it.  I refuse to read it.  I’m actually saving it so that I can burn it at our first patio party of the summer.  All I could focus on was that an entire year of having no social life, very few days off and a three-week stint where I didn’t see my boyfriend awake only amounted to $680 dollars, or $26 per paycheck BEFORE taxes.  Also, my boss’ timeline for when I would be “qualified” enough to become a director?  A year and a half.  Nevermind that I was already doing 85% of the job IN ADDITION to my day to day duties and whatever other tasks that he deemed himself too busy and important to mess with.  I knew I had to get out.

January rolled around.  We had found a house we both loved and our offer had been accepted.  Our closing date was the 28th.  I knew I couldn’t quit my job before we closed, but I started interviewing quite aggressively in the hopes that I would be able to quit my job soon after.  It was a stressful couple of weeks.  I was packing up our apartment, working ridiculous hours all while updating my resume and sending it out to any and all jobs I felt I was qualified for.  I was looking forward to the week of the 28th with everything in my being.  I was going to take a couple extra days off so I could really enjoy the excitement that comes with buying your first house.  The excitement, however, was short-lived. 

The second week of January, I walked into work and was informed that my boss was moving on.  The best part?  I didn’t find out from my boss that he was done.  I found out from the night security guard. 

My boss had been promoted within the company.  He was informed on Monday.  His last day was going to be that Friday.  I was going to be the only manager in the entire food & beverage department.  They were working quickly to find his replacement, but until that happened, I was stuck carrying the entire weight of the department.  But at least I was getting compensated for it, right?  Nope.  The worst part of all this?  My boss had agreed to allow me the week off to move and now he was leaving and there was no one to cover for me.  I was shit out of luck.

That was the last straw for me.  I needed out and I needed it now.  I had been interviewing and had received an offer which I inevitably turned down.  I turned it down in a gamble that I prayed would pay off as I waited for an offer from a job that I really wanted.  And I got it.  I received the offer the day of our move and promptly drove to the hotel and turned in my notice.  It felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders!  I was leaving for a job where I could work less and make more; a job where I can bring my knowledge and passion for the field, yet  I can continue to learn and grow.  I couldn’t be happier.

The best part of this story?  5 days before I was to be done at the hotel, the GM approached me for a conversation.  He asked me why I had never applied for my boss’ position.  I told him simply, because my “boss” told me I wasn’t ready.  I wasn’t going to waste my time applying for a job he didn’t feel I was qualified for.  Instead, I was going to look for a new job.  The GM expressed his sadness that we didn’t have this conversation sooner.  He would have given me the position. Instead, the position was offered to my boss’ friend.  Coincidence?  I think not.

I hope this sheds some light on my absence.  I haven’t been writing not because I haven’t had anything to write about (trust me, I have some doozies) but because I didn’t have the time.

I’m back, bitches.  I hope you’re ready.


The PAAP strikes again.

Is it just me or does it actually take MORE work to respond to an email dodging every question that was asked of you?  This happened today as I did my absolute best to send an email to my favorite Milton Waddams doppleganger that didn’t seethe hatred.  Here is my original email.

It just came to my attention that someone at the front desk printed and handed out breakfast buffet coupons where gratuity was not included when it should have been.  This has apparently been going on since Saturday.  I rectified the problem with the coupons we received today and printed out the correct coupons.  Is there any way that we could fix the ones that were handed out this weekend so the servers can receive their tips?

If it’s a lot of work and can’t be done, I understand.  I figured I would ask since the servers have asked me about it.  If it can be fixed and I can help out in any way, just let me know.

Thank you
And here is the response I received.

I brought Mike up to date on coupons.  I laid out the old rules we had.  I asked him to forward to Paul.

Coupons need where to post info at the top, a gratuity statement, and an expiration date.

So, help me out here, PAAP…..
Did you answer the question I asked? NO
Did you bring two more people(his boss and my boss)into this conversation? YES
Did they need to be involved? NO
Did you give me a breakdown of what the coupons have to have printed on them? YES
Did I ask for that information? NO
Do I need that information? NO

All I wanted and needed to know was if we could manually post a 15% tip on to all of the receipts we had this weekend that should have been gratted in the first place.  I told you I fixed the problem, meaning Iprinted the correct coupons and threw away the oldones (which haven’t been used in months)and now all I need is an answer as to whether or notmy servers are going to get paid.  Instead, I received a response stating that you brought your boss up to date on coupons,(whichseems odd,since he’s your boss and the head of the department) laid out the old rules you had, (which was before my time here, so they obviouslyhaven’t been used in over a year) and gaveme a run down of what tickets are supposed to have onthem (which is irrelevant since all I need to do was find the correct coupon on the computer and hit ‘print’.)
Man, PAAP.  You are FUCKING WORTHLESS.  I can’t wait to tell my servers that they won’t get the money they’re owed because you can’t respond appropriately to a simple fucking email.  And next time I’m in your office, I’m stealing your Swinglineand replacing it with my shitty no name brand stapler, cuz I’m a bitch like that..

Gripe of the day.

Why oh why do people pronounce Italian as EYE-talian?  Do you realize how ridiculous you sound?  My family didn’t come from EYE-taly, okay?  Get your shit together.


Almost speechless….

…but not quite. 

It was a particularly busy morning in the hotel restaurant today.  As I was walking by the buffet, checking to see what items needed replenishing, I saw a rather SIZEABLE gentleman staring down at one of the items, confused.  He asks his friend whether he thought it was potatoes or grits, that we were trying to serve him.  Really?  Grits?  I can understand how you might think a suburban Minnesota hotel might try to serve you grits. After all, it’s right up there with Lutefisk for popular Minnesota cuisine.  

Anyway, after receiving no response from his friend, Fattie Mcfat-fat picks up the serving spoon, raises it to his face and SNIFFS the spoon.  Are you fucking kidding me?  That seemed like the next logical move in your attempt to figure out what we were offering?  Nevermind asking the person wearing a name tag that is now standing directly in front of you, or even looking at the menu card displayed right in front of the chafer.  Nope.  Putting your nose into the communal spoon is the obvious way to go.

He sets the spoon back down as a knowing smile spreads across his face.  ”It’s Grits,” he tells his friend confidently.

"Actually, they’re egg-whites," I chime in as I make a point of switching out the booger spoon with a new one right in front of him.

In the end, I guess I’m not surprised that he didn’t know what it was.  After all, egg whites and spinach do look an awful lot ground corn; if you’re a fucking idiot.


DPH takes a vacation

My apologies to the handful of people that read this for my absence the past few weeks.  I have TONS of material to write about and literally no time to do it.  However, I decided to break away from paperwork to deliver you this gem.

DPH put in a request off for the middle of August.  She’s going on a week-long canoe trip.    Here’s my question:  If she she smells this bad normally, what’s she going to smell like after a week of camping, with no shower?

The thought of it makes me want to vomit.


A note about allergies.

If you walk into a restaurant stating you have a food allergy, you better be knowledgeable about that allergy.  I am not your dietitician, nor am I your fucking allergist.  I’m just here to serve you in a prompt and friendly manner and all the dumb questions you’re asking about the cooking surfaces of the kitchen are ensuring the friendly aspect of service disappears pretty quickly.  Sure, the service will still be prompt, but only because I want you to GTFO of my restaurant.  

If you have multiple food allergies, STAY THE FUCK HOME.  If you walk in to a restaurant and tell your server (ME) that you’re allergic to:

  1. Gluten
  2. Yeast
  3. Dairy
  4. Sugar

You know what you’re going to get?  A big bowl of lettuce.  I would have thrown some grilled chicken on there but you FREAKED OUT about the chicken being grilled on the same flattop as a piece of bread so that’s apparently out of the question.  The pecans that come on the particular salad you ordered are candied, so those are a no-go.  Dressing is also frowned upon, so you end up ordering a salad with just lettuce, berries and gorgonzola.  

I then inform you that you can’t have gorgonzola either.  

"What is gorgonzola?" you ask, since it’s apparently not your responsibility to know what you’re attempting to put into your body.  

When I tell you it’s cheese, you turn up your nose and state "I can’t have that!"  Well, no fucking shit.  That’s what I just told you.  Clearly I’m better at your diet than you.  

In the end, your husband pays $10 for a bowl of lettuce and berries, all the while telling you that you’re being dramatic and I can’t help but agree with him.

It’s people like you that cause me to drink.